My first STD was from a foam party
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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