I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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