I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize