I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
