someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
