Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
