There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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