he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
