how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
