You can't special order awesome
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
