Duck Duck Cougar?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
