Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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