I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
