Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
After last night, I could never be a politician.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
