I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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