She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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