suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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