You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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