Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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