the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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