I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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