I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
