Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
