I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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