Where is the hickey?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
