Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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