So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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