at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
