I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
