girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
well you can't waste a boner
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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