i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
