i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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