Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
