well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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