I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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