I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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