what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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