Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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