Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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