apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
