if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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