I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
