Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
