god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
