Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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