She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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