i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
