and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize