i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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