Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
