At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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