good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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