please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
