I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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