I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
