based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
