I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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