sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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