Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
