I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
