im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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