guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
