I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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