I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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