Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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